Frustration

My mom and I had a fairly long, disjointed phone conversation last night. It started with "so we need to start planning your wedding, Melissa..." and migrated, as it often does, into talking about my brother and my father, in no particular or linear order. I feel like we always talk in circles, and that I repeat myself almost every conversation in hopes that sooner or later, my mom will actually listen to what I'm saying and maybe even accept that yes, I do, in fact, feel very strongly about a few things. And that no, she doesn't necessarily know me that well (and that I don't want to tell her things sometimes).

The good news on her end is that she's found a new man, named George, who seems to be (in all true senses of the word) a fantastic guy. He's a strong family man who loves his kids, loves animals, and shares my mom's love of life. He's moving to Pennsylvania in a couple of months (not in with her... but to the area. She met him via her real estate work), but until then it's a long-distance thing.

I'm happy for her. I liked Jim, but the two of them were so different. At the end the whole on-again off-again thing was maddening. Jim has thankfully found a woman much like him-- into motorcycles, into deer hunting, etc. Mom's happy for him, and I am too.

So in that department, I'm happy. Mom's happy. It's a good thing.

My dad on the other hand, well...

Those who have read my journal for the past three years or more know some of the very bad recent history with my dad. To sum up for newer readers... he and I had a huge falling out at Christmas in '03. I went home, had a very nasty time that culminated in a horrifying dinner the last night I was there, the only time I had any opportunity to be with my dad one-on-one during the visit, in which my dad spent the entire dinner laying out every single way I suck at life. All things that could possibly be argued were valid about me as a senior in high school, but half of them were so far in the past and over and done with that I couldn't even fathom how to respond to it (i.e. nearly converting to Mormonism when I was in high school... for my boyfriend at the time).

The next day, I stewed on the plane-- all fucking eight hours from Billings to Providence, plus the hour drive back to Boston.

Three months later, I wrote him a letter. A five-page, single-spaced typed letter, discussing everything I've had to say to him since I left for college at eighteen. All of the shit I'd held in.

Cathartic? Yes. Needed to be done? Yes. Good for our relationship? . . .

Fuck all.

My dad and I have perhaps spoken a half-dozen times since I wrote that letter. I might be generous with that amount, actually. The conversations are strained, barely scraping past the surface and generally settle on the Red Sox or the Philadelphia Eagles or the New England Patriots or some other thing football. We've grown apart. And I have to be honest-- I'm wary and not all that excited to to bridge that gap anytime soon. He's shown no interest in knowing me as I am now. And for the most part, I like who I am now. I'm not about to go expose that to someone who's only going to rip it apart and tell me how much I suck at life.

I may appear strong... but this whole new self-esteem thing is still not quite stable. It wouldn't take much to crack.

In the meantime, my mom and I talk nearly every week. We rarely go more than a couple without at least a quick little "hi, how are things?" conversation on the phone. And every conversation she'll tell me that I really need to talk to my dad, and how we need to patch things up.

Two months ago, that suggestion began disappearing from our chats. She's had some contact with my dad recently, partly due to the wedding planning and partly due to my brother, and she's starting to see how annoyingly avoidant and disconnected my dad has become. He has no interest in knowing me as a person now. Why should I push forward to make any sort of an effort?

Last night I pointed out that the only reason I even was discussing him as because of the wedding. I have no interest in trudging back down that road again with him, only to be left stewing for another eight hours of flight between Montana and Rhode Island, allowing my already too short temper to get the best of me.

And on the other end of the bad news... my brother's taken another downturn, and it's hurting my mom to no end. I understand why, but it's one of the things that I just get myself to deal with. And that pisses me off. I've focused so much of my emotions to work through the shit with my father over the past few years, I haven't gotten through all of the history with my brother. It's shoved in some mental filing cabinet in my brain labeled "deal with this shit later."

I don't talk about my brother much in my journal. We're not that close, and that is my fault. I've purposely put a lot of emotional distance between us. A lot of it has to do with our relationship when we were growing up, and my celebration when I went to college and no longer had to deal with him one-on-one every day.

My brother's bipolar. And recently, he decided - as he does - that he's doing better and no longer needs his meds.

So he stopped taking them entirely.

Again.

And now he's cycling.

He was doing so fucking well, too. Getting his life in order, out looking for a job, getting rid of girlfriends who are using him for god-knows-what while he's on a turn towards mania.

I can't wrap my head around how he can be 28 and not holding down a job. He seems to be out of work every six months or so. Either he's fired or a company closes, or he left because he didn't like it... etc. He's not getting the idea that you suck it up and deal with getting any job so you can pay the bills. He doesn't want to move closer to my mom, but he's running back to her via the phone, wishing she were there just to give him a big hug. And whether intended or not, I hear that tone in my mom's voice that suggests that I need to patch things up with him. That I should be helping with him. But how the hell do I do that?

When it comes to my brother, I just freeze. I'm too scared to approach the big ball of chaos that is my manic-depressive sibling. I intentionally seek out calm things in my life. I detach. I try to avoid making ripples in life if I can help it. I probably started doing this as Scott started cycling as a child. My brother doesn't just make ripples in life. He jumps in and makes cannonball waves. Big fucking ones that make me seasick.

And currently, my stomach is lurching.

Song answers

I drafted this on Sunday, but forgot to post... whoops.

Answers to this week's Thursday Thirteen...

1) Love My Way - Psychedelic Furs
Soundtrack: Wedding Singer (isn't just about everything from the '80s in this movie soundtrack, though? *grin*)

2) Ask the Lonely - Journey
Soundtrack: Two of a Kind (guilty pleasure movie with Olivia Newton-John & John Travolta.. complete and utter flop and a stupid movie, but a decent soundtrack).

3) Everywhere - Fleetwood Mac
(I don't think this is in a movie... but it could be... somewhere)

4) Turning Japanese - The Vapors

5) In Your Eyes - Peter Gabriel
Soundtrack: Say Anything (a movie I have never seen, oddly)

6) When the Going Gets Tough... - Billy Ocean
Soundtrack: Romancing the Stone or its sequel, I can't remember. I have no idea why I even have this song on my iPod because I don't really like it all that much...

7) Final Countdown - Europe

8) The Promise - When in Rome
Soundtrack: Apparently in Napoleon Dynamite, which I really have no desire to see...

9) Jack & Diane - John (then Cougar) Mellancamp

10) Fireworks -Siouxsie and the Banshees

11) I Feel For You - Chaka Khan

12) When Doves Cry - Prince
Soundtrack: The same as all of the other Prince songs that are in a soundtrack. ;P Will he play it this Sunday on stage?

13) Makign Love out of Nothing at All - Air Supply
I'm such a Russell Hitchcock sap. I really am. Have been since I was 11.

Thursday Thirteen: iPodding, redux

It's time to play iPod shuffle again. :) All of these songs are from the 1980s. Extra points to those who know both song and artist. (you'll get a virtual cookie). And even more points if you know a movie that the song was in (not all are from movies, however).

Answers will be posted Sunday.

Thirteen Songs from my iPod 1. They'd dearly make us pay / For laughing in their faces / And making it our way 2. You've got some fascination / With you high expectations / This love is your obsession / Your heart, your past possession 3. Something's happening / Happening to me / My friends say I'm acting peculiarly 4. I've got your picture, I've got your picture / I'd like a million of them all round my cell / I want the doctor to take a picture / So I can look at you from inside as well 5. I get so tired of working so hard for our survival / I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive 6. I'm gonna get myself 'cross the river / That's the price I'm willing to pay / I'm gonna make you stand and deliver / And give me love in the old-fashion way 7. With so many light years to go and things to be found / I'm sure that well all miss her so. 8. When your day is through / and so is your temper / You know what to do / I'm gonna always be there. 9. Gonna let it rock / Let it roll / Let the Bible belt come down / And save my soul 10. The body is wrapped is shadow / The face is built of cinders / And painc tears through your silhouette / As you're squeezed by burning fingers 11. I wouldn't lie to you, baby / It's mainly a physical thing / This feeling that I got for you, baby / Makes me wanna sing 12. Dream if you can a courtyard / An ocean of violets in bloom 13. And I know the night is fading / And I know that times gonna fly / And I'm never gonna tell you everything I've got to tell you / But I know I've got to give it a try. Links to other Thursday Thirteens! 1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

The birthday bandwagon

Found via Mary...

Your Birthdate: January 11

Spiritual and thoughtful, you tend to take a step back from the world. You're very sensitive to what's going on around you, yet you remain calm. Although you are brilliant, it may take you a while to find your niche. Your creativity is supreme, but it sometimes makes it hard for you to get things done. Your strength: Your inner peace Your weakness: You get stuck in the clouds Your power color: Emerald Your power symbol: Leaf Your power month: November

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

When the hell did this happen?

I do? But... but... I know where my r's go...

It's still a pop machine. (okay... I'm now getting a soda out of a pop machine, but that doesn't count).

They're not jimmies. They're sprinkles.

It's not a frappe. It's a milkshake.

But.... but...

*thud*


OH GOD... I'VE BECOME A LOCAL..... *hides*

What American accent do you have? Your Result: Boston   You definitely have a Boston accent, even if you think you don't. Of course, that doesn't mean you are from the Boston area, you may also be from New Hampshire or Maine.
The Northeast
The Midland
Philadelphia
The West
The Inland North
North Central
The South
What American accent do you have? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

So... yeah...

... about this fanfic writing thing. It's going surprisingly well. And I've finally told my inner-self to shut up for a while and dive in.

This is the reason I haven't been writing journal entries, actually. My brain has just been filled with ideas for fiction writing for the last three weeks. It's a nice change of pace, and I've long since learned that if creativity is beckoning, I need to embrace it for the short while it might last.

Don't laugh, please. :) I'm still working on this piece. And it's the first real attempt at fanfic since, oh... 1996 or so.

Title: Translating Extraordinary
Author: Measi
Disclaimer: Doctor Who and all the rest belong to the BBC. My fiancé wouldn’t appreciate me claiming David Tennant, as much as I’d love to.
Rating: PG13 (US) / 15 (UK) / T (Fanfiction.net)
Classification: Ten/Rose. Angst/Character Study/Romance.
Spoilers: Everything through Series 2 (heavy post-Doomsday), including The Runaway Bride.
Archive: Feel free! Please tell me where, though, so I can come beam with pride and also know where to send corrections/updates/sequels if they're needed. :)
Summary: Impossible means not probable, but it's not absolute.
A/N: This is my first fanfic attempt in several years, and my first ever for Doctor Who. It's angsty-- but I promise it is going to a happy place by the end. Many thanks to my friends & betas: 1aquaesulis76, meadowbird, mermofdx, and claireej.


Chapter One - Chapter Two - Chapter Three

Thursday Thirteen: Writing

So today I'm doing my first full-day shift at the front reception desk at work. It's freaking me out a little bit-- I'm NOT a phone person. I now work at a company that actually has someone answer phones (*gasp* live reception? What an odd concept, eh?).

Hopefully since there's a mega-meeting today, though... it'll be relatively quiet.

In any case, during downtime, I'm hoping to do some writing. Today's T13 focuses on some thoughts about my writing experiences...

Thirteen Things about my love of writing 1) I wrote my first poem at age 8. It was a short, sad little poem about our dog, Katie, when she died. My mom still has it. I've been told over and over that it's surprisingly good for an 8-year-old, but then again... it is my mother (who's strongly biased). 2) My imagination tends to run very wild and erratic. I've been creating stories in my head since kindergarten or so. They usually fly into my head as I lie down to sleep... which means I'm awake for an hour as they run through my brain. During my parents' separation and divorce, my brain wanted to force me to escape from reality a lot-- and I wound up keeping a fictional hand-written diary of the ideas so I could release ideas in order to focus from day to day. 3) I co-authored my first fanfiction in junior high with my friend Andi. I don't remember a lot about it, other than that it was Star Trek: Next Generation, and... being the age that we were... it was schmoopy, cheesy romance stuff between Troi and Riker. I don't think we ever completed it, though. It's still in a notebook... somewhere. 4) My first published piece of writing was for the Billings Gazette when I was 15. I've also co-authored and written pieces for the Boston University Daily Free Press, Wild Web.com (former game reviewing site), and Access Magazine. 5) I was on my high school newspaper for two years. The first year I was a writer. The second year I was the news page editor. 6) I won a Journalism Education Association creative writing award as a senior in high school. A few of my classmates and I attended the annual high school newspaper conference in Los Angeles, and they had off-the-cuff writing competitions. I don't recall anything about what I wrote, but I *do* recall the teacher who served as our school newspaper advisor being shocked (her word) at my win. I was NOT one of her teacher's pets (the exec editors), and therefore was never invited to write a column in the paper. 7) My college degree is in print news journalism with a minor in psychology. I'd planned to be a criminal reporter. Even today, I find criminal documentaries/true crime/etc. fascinating. I want to know what "makes people tick." 8) Along the same vein... when I do fictional writing, I almost always focus on it from a character development angle. I love revealing characters through prose, allowing them to discover themselves as I do. 9) I've particpated in NaNoWriMo four times. I reached 50,000 words two times. Both stories are still unfinished. 10) Since 1995, I've written seven fanfiction pieces. Six are X-Files related, and are archived at the infamous Gossamer archives. The seventh is one that is still in the works, and is Doctor Who related. Three chapters are published on my livejournal and at fanfiction.net. (under my usual screenname... measi) 11) Writing is something I feel I need to do. A sure sign that something's wrong is that I'm not at least scribbling down unfinished thoughts a few times per week. Usually I'm mulling over an approach to dialogue or descriptions in my head a few times per day. (ah, multitasking). 12) I would love to publish a book someday. I have some ideas, but no solid plot for a first novel, however. Chances are it would fall in the realm of Pagan-oriented mystery... much like my first NaNoWriMo attempts were. 13) I prefer writing drafts longhand, then editing them as I type them into Word on my computer. Links to other Thursday Thirteens! 1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

For the love of all that is good and holy

This whole Pats giving its fans a heart attack during the post-season is getting old.

My fingers really, really hurt from chomping on my nails for the past 45 minutes or so.

Damn...

*thud*

Great game. Sloppy on both sides, but great game.

Thursday Thirteen: The Birthday Edition

Ah yes... that time of year again... ;)

Thirteen Things about January 11th 1) 1523-German reformer Martin Luther wrote in a letter: 'It is unchristian, even unnatural, to derive benefit and protection from the community and not also to share in the common burden and expense; to let other people work but to harvest the fruit of their labors.' 2) 1569-1st recorded lottery in England is drawn at St Paul's Cathedral 3) 1813-1st pineapples planted in Hawaii 4) 1919-Romania annexes Transylvania 5) 1922-Insulin 1st used to treat diabetes (Leonard Thompson, 14, of Canada) 6) 1949-Snowfall 1st recorded in Los Angeles 7) 1973-American League adopts designated hitter rule 8) 1976-Dorothy Hamill wins her 3rd consecutive national figure skating championship 9) 1988-USSR announces it will participate in the Seoul Summer Olympics 10) 1994-Irish government announces end of a 20-year broadcasting ban on IRA 11) Deaths: Pope John VI, Francis Scott Key (among others) 12) Births: Alexander Hamilton, Naomi Judd, Mary J Blige (among others) 13) It's my 32nd birthday, complete with my first grey hair. (eep) Links to other Thursday Thirteens! 1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

New year, new craziness

Happy New Year :)

I'm not gone-- just... preoccupied. It's been a very wacky couple of weeks, and while I've been spending a lot of time in front of my computer, I just haven't had an idea about a blogging topic in a few days (well, since a very weird rant last week via the private notify list that seemed to scare the crap out of people because it was the weirded out side of me as this all kicked up last week).

In any case, I'm fine. Being my normal, completely off-the-wall self. In fact, I'd argue that I haven't felt quite like... me... in a while. Very goofy, slightly off-kilter, and my mind is just spinning. Definitely hasn't been a while. I've missed it. It's amusing that for four years, I cranked through November struggling to write my "necessary" 1,667 words per day to stay on that 50,000 word mark for the month. But here, in about a week, I've plowed through about 10,000... longhand. :) Lots and lots of ideas. Enough that I've had to rely on keeping the notebook next to the bed because I've had two three a.m. wake-ups that required me to write everything down.

(it's beside the point that I can barely read my chickenscrawl from 3 a.m., half-asleep, written without my glasses on.)

Ah yes... the writing bug. I was honestly wondering if I'd get it again. It's nice to see that it was just in hibernation for a while. Most of the ideas have been coming in the form of fanfic. Ideally, I'd like to crank out some original character fiction, but I'm so rusty that I refuse to discount any idea spewing from my brain right now... it's all getting written down.

I finally shut myself up and just let myself get lost in the evenings in new geeky addiction. The first series (2005) of Doctor Who arrived on my doorstep the other day, and I've been catching up. I'm expecting the second series sometime after my birthday. And much to Erich's teasing and amusement, I've been on a bit of a David Tennant binge... and slightly annoyed that I can't find my DVD copy of Harry Potter 4...

*sigh*

I'm a dork. I know. But I think this is the positive backswing after being so depressed for so long. I didn't expect it to swing quite this fast however... but I'll take it. Maybe the depth of depression leads to such a sharp swing to try to rebalance everything. *shrug*

Work's been insanely busy this week, but in a fantastic way. Apparently I am turning heads a bit-- because I've been drafted for a HUGE style standards organization project at work, which will be presented to the president of the company within 10 days. So far, I think it's going well- I have most of my first round of drafts done, and should have all of them done tomorrow. It's shocking-- I'm writing, I'm editing, AND doing layout design... all at once. :) My degree? Useful? Sweet!

And how is it already January 4th? This year is already flying...