Family Matters

In about an hour, Erich and I are heading up to Maine for the first time since his mom's death. We're spending the weekend doing some intial inventory of her belongings to give to the lawyer Erich's hired to help with her estate, sorting papers as best we can, and whatever else we actually can cram into a normal-length weekend.

Everything just feels... odd.

For the most part, life has been going about as normal for the past two weeks. Erich seems to be doing okay with everything. I'll go for a day or so, and then suddenly remember she's gone (and then feel guilty for forgetting). It still doesn't seem real. I imagine that's going to change around nine tonight when we get to Maine...

I've been asked by a few people this week how I'm doing, how Erich's doing, etc. I reply "He seems to be doing fine..." to the second question. We haven't talked much about how he's doing, but that's mostly because Erich (like me) tends to be a bit private about his feelings, especially when he's working through something. To the first, it tends to be mixed. The most accurate answer is "I'm not sure." I've been on a bit of an emotional wave lately, and it really depends on the exact moment I get asked.

I feel clumsy and awkward about it all, yet at the same time I seem to be having an easy time accepting death... and I'm honestly not sure whether that's a good thing or not.

Thursday Thirteen: TV Show Addictions

The new series of Doctor Who is starting this weekend over in the U.K., and I've been jealously drooling over all of the little snippets of promotion that I can find between fandom sites.

The full trailer posted today on YouTube just made my little geek!girl heart go aflutter.

Damn being in the U.S. *sigh*

In any case, in celebration of my geekitude, here's my list of must-not-miss TV shows (both new and old), both geek-related and not.

Thirteen Much Loved TV Shows 1. X-Files: I started watching the X-Files during its 2nd season (but quickly caught up on all of the back episodes through the alt.tv.x-files group and lots of VHS tape trading). My father introduced me to the show while I was home on Christmas break. If I recall, the first episodes I saw were Scully's abduction episodes (which equalled instant addition... seriously... so good). I watched the series religiously all the way to the end of the run. Friends knew that they were not to call me during that hour. For the series finale, I even disconnected my phone to keep from being interrupted. :) I was so heavily into the show that I actually overloaded myself-- but lately I've been wanting to start watching some of my favorite episodes again. I have to wonder how my VHS tapes (all... god, 100+ of them? 2 eps per tape, 24 or 25 eps per season, 9 seasons)have survived. 2. Star Trek: The Next Generation: My first real geek fandom. This came onto the TV the year my parents separated, and it honestly was my weekly escape from all of the family drama that was unfolding. I never really connected with the original series. I enjoyed DS9, but it wound up conflicting with my class schedule in college (so I fell out of watching it). I never was interested in Voyager or Enterprise, either. I'm a TNG Trekker. And still watch it occasionally on G4 now that they've cleaned up some of the episodes. But oh, how poorly they've aged... :) 3. Doctor Who: One of the two current addictions, and definitely the more "she's crazy" addiction. Erich has watched the new series since it first aired in the States last summer. I casually watched it with him on occasion, but didn't get hooked until I saw the last episode (Doomsday) of the second season shortly before this past Christmas. And, both to my glee and annoyance, it was a full onset of geekdom addiction that I hadn't experienced since the X-Files went off the air (I guess I was in need of something to preoccupy my time). It's not that I didn't know about Who before the new series, either-- it's been around since 1963. Even during its hiatus during the 1990s, I remember seeing Sylvester McCoy and Paul McGann in all of the sci-fi fandom mags that I'd pick up (for TNG and XF info). And during my childhood, I recall seeing a few of the original series episodes on PBS. I'll partially blame the addiction on David Tennant and Christopher Eccleston, though. *swoon* But now I'm trying to find and catch up on any of the original series episodes that I can for backstory... I'm currently working through the batch of 1970's Who on my iPod. And I'm really excited for the next season - which starts Saturday in the U.K., but won't be on here until the summer. Arrrrgh! 4. Heroes: The other current addiction. I'm amazed at how well this show is written and produced. I love how all of the character storylines intersect and are interwoven. There are a few storylines that bore me a bit, but that happens with any show. Having Christopher Eccleston show up here was wonderful (and brought the quality up another notch, I think). It's arguably the best show on network TV right now- and allows the masses to enjoy geekdom comfortably. 5. Firefly: This is mostly Erich's addiction, but I've enjoyed the ride along with him. Great writing, interesting characters -- but sadly it was broadcast on FOX, which means it (like so many shows that don't have "when ____ attack" in the title) was doomed to be axed before its time. It didn't help that it was broadcast completely out of order, either, nor that it was a pretty specific tuned-to-geekdom show. FOX screwed up. Somehow a movie (Serenity) was made through outcry of the fans, and it spurred a mini cult phenomenon. 6. Buffy the Vampire Slayer: I was among the many who gaped when they saw that a TV show of that god-awful movie from the early 90s was being made. I mean, seriously-- WHY?!? But then one of my friends commented that it was surprisingly really good. And then another one did. And I, being the X-Phile extraordinare, laughed at them. And then they sat me down and forced me to watch it. And yeah... okay. It was very good. Completely cheesy at times. But very, very good. And I'm enjoying the 8th season, being "broadcast" through comics. :) 7. Red Dwarf: I watched this starting in junior high with my boyfriend at the time. It was on PBS pretty late at night, if I recall, as part of a British TV block (which also featured the Young Ones and Doctor Who). It was very silly, but between the geekiness, the jokes, and it being British (which was so underground in Montana), it became a little cult following. And Erich's a Red Dwarf fan as well... so I've now caught up on any episode I missed through his collection. :) 8. The Cosby Show: Did anyone who grew up in the 80s not watch this? It was one of the few shows my family watched together. We laughed with the Huxtables. We talked about some of the topics that came up that actually were good topics to think about. And I found a little thrill in watching the TV kids who grew up with a dad who was an OB/GYN... because I could relate very closely to that. On the occasions since my childhood thatI've heard Ray Charles' "Night Time Is the Right Time," it immediately makes me think of the family lip-sync serenade. :) 9. Moonlighting: This was our mother-daughter bonding show. My mom and I watched it together every week. Would David and Maddie finally get together? How many fights can one couple have- that made anyone watching them just laugh. Alas, when they did finally get together, that spark that made the show so much fun to watch seemed to wane off. *sigh* 10. Law & Order: While probably not a die-hard addiction (and I actually don't watch the current run), I love watching the reruns of this show. And I have absolutely no idea why-- it must just be the thrill of a crime mystery. I can't get into Criminal Intent, but I also enjoy Special Victims Unit reruns. 11. Project Runway: I'm not into fashion. I definitely don't have a body type that fashion designers embrace in any way, shape or form. Yet somehow, I'm just addicted to this show every year. I think it's simply watching how creativity works in other people- dealing with time constraints, coming up with ideas, and watching people dive into the profession they love. And Tim Gunn is love, of course. This is, by the way, the only competitive Reality TV show I watch. 12. The Mole: Celebrity Edition: Erich and I watched this religiously while it was on. I think it was mostly to watch Corbin Bensen and Stephen Baldwin act like idiots. But it was very funny. And oddly engrossing. Erich was far better than me at figuring out who was the Mole, though. 13. MXC: Another Erich & Mel TV show time. It's waned a bit lately, but we used to watch the what... four hours of it on Thursday nights on Spike? Japanese competitive TV is insane. Who comes up with this stuff? It's painful to watch and utterly stupid-- but it just keeps. pulling. you. in. Next stop: Ninja Warrior (which is insane, too). Links to other Thursday Thirteens! 1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

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The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

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Thursday Thirteen: Kicking Procrastination

It's spring, which means I'm in the mood to get some stuff done around the house to make myself - at least temporarily - feel like I'm more in control of my life than I actually am.

So over the next month, I have thirteen things that I want to get done-- and can accomplish easily (as long as I don't procrastinate too long).

They make up this week's Thursday Thirteen... a day late.

Thirteen Things on my Spring To-Do List 1. Finish all straggling laundry and put it all away where it's supposed to go. 2. Complete three chapters of my fanfic story (all outlined & drafted... just needs a bit of fleshing out and edits). 3. Complete my Floral RR piece (this weekend). 4. Complete my UFO RR piece (by April 9th). 5. Book DJ for wedding. 6. Contact all people we want to be in our wedding party. 7. File taxes 8. Reclaim kitchen cabinets from their disaster look and get everything put away. 9. Get Colley groomed. 10. Make appointment for bra fitting for wedding dress. 11. Organize office. 12. Go through clothes - donate & toss out what needs to leave 13. Back-up webpages & computer files. Links to other Thursday Thirteens! 1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

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The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

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Meandering thoughts

Erich's been busy the last week with arrangements and handling his mother's expenses and such- it's been a weird, busy week for him. Calling for mortuary arrangements, calling our lawyer to get the process rolling on her estate. But overall, he's doing... okay. Better than I would expect honestly. I suppose I've been holding my breath for him to break down or something.

I know, I know... guys don't work like that.

In any case, part of me feels like it's wrong trying to just carry on with life as if nothing happened. It's not like it really is that way, of course. But sometimes it feels that way.

In any case, no specific date is set for her memorial service. Erich made arrangements for Debby's body to be cremated. We'll have a small service to spread half of her ashes in Maine, and the other half will be interred in the family plot in Massachusetts. But no dates at this point- I imagine it'll be sometime this spring.

Writing out my Save the Date cards in the middle of this was honestly disturbing. It just felt completely wrong. But they had to be done... because we're now rolling in on six months away. I did them out of guilt and a desire to shut my mother up more than anything.

I know my regular readers will find no surprise in this statement- but any ounce of enjoyment/excitement that I might have had about planning my wedding (read=little) is permanently gone. It's going through the motions at this point. Debby's death is just the final mark of pain in this whole process for me to finally call it quits on the emotional front. Yes, I'm planning it. I'm quite sure I'll enjoy my wedding day, albeit with a bittersweet note. But no, the process leading up it is just going through motions now. Partially because with every ounce of excitement I'd show, it would get smacked down by a fight, or a frustration, or... death. It's all about meeting expectations of family members, and really not about the couple getting married. I'd laugh bitterly at anyone who says otherwise, based upon what I've experienced in two years.

September 23rd can't come fast enough so it's done with. I want to move on with our normal lives, enjoying the growth that comes through being a married couple legally... not just emotionally as we are now. Melinda said it best in an email recently to me (in not these exact words, of course)... that we were married emotionally when the engagement ring went on my finger in that blizzard two years ago.

And the irony is, my relationship with Erich is fantastic through all of this. If anything, I'd say it's getting better. Without going into too many details, sexual frustrations that have plagued our relationship (our one huge problem-- and it was my problem) for the better part of our relationship are going away on their own-- apparently stress at my old job was a HUGE part of those issues.



Yeah... my brain's a little cluttered these days. *sigh*

Coping

Erich's mom passed away on Friday afternoon. It hasn't really hit him yet, but his coping mechanisms are firmly in place. He's admitted that it's so huge that his brain just can't comprehend it. We're waiting for the results of an autopsy - Erich needs it for his own piece of mind - and then the formal arrangements will be made. Erich's current line of thinking is to have her cremated, and then spread half of her ashes into the sea in Maine, and bring the other half to be interred in the family plot in Hopedale, Mass.

Thankfully, the Providence crew contingent has been wonderful this weekend. Jason & Jen hosted a gathering on Friday night so Erich could be surrounded by everyone (since he has only a very small and scattered family, his friends are honestly his closest family in many ways). We played poker late into the night, the guys did some drinking (I stayed sober to get him home, of course), and just were there for him.

Yesterday, an already planned Dungeons & Dragons game was moved over to our house. And again, I think the community helped Erich a lot. They played from about 1 p.m. until 4:30 in the morning. I milled about a bit, going out to do some craft shopping with Teresa, baking cookies (because baking does actually make me feel better), and just taking a breather for a while to collect my own thoughts.

Everyone's been wonderful. It's times like this that you truly realize how strong friendships are a blessing. And how fleeting and precious life truly is.

The update...

Erich came home yesterday. Although I'm a bit concerned about that decision, I can recognize that he just needed to be in familiar surroundings to start the grieving process. He told me that if his mom were conscious, he'd have decided differently. But he feels there's nothing he can do there, and I think he needs to retreat for a while.

The doctors called Erich early this morning and asked him permission to remove his mom's ventilator. They believe it's the only thing keeping her alive at this point. Her lungs are failing, her heart is failing, and her kidneys have shut down.

Erich gave them permission, of course. There's no reason to prolong her life at this point with artificial means. Her body is not responding to any treatment. They still can't find the source of the infection that has caused her sepsis. The fluids via IV are just pooling.

Nature will take over and decide as it will.

Erich wanted to be alone today, so I'm at work. I drove in to make sure I had full control over my departure from Boston (i.e. not relying on train schedules) when the call comes.

So yeah... that's where things stand.

*sigh*

Small update

Erich's heading up to Maine now, per doctor recommendations. As of now, I'll plan on joining him for the weekend. That of course may change at any second. One way or the other, I think one of my first chores tonight will be heading to Lowes to get some extra keys for my house made to give to friends in case I need to drop and run.

The medical staff has not been able to find the source of infection-- at this point, it's internal, but they don't know where. She's going into a full body scan today.

Her heart is working at 25% capacity, and her blood pressure remains dangerously low. They want to rest her heart, but can't do that without risking losing ground on her blood pressure. It seems that that's the recurring theme... everything they can do will result in losing ground elsewhere.

In any case, for the time being I'm serving as contact point for those who want to know what's going on so Erich can focus on his mother.

- Mel.

Mortality

Sunday morning, I was ready to sit down and write a fairly happy entry because I was feeling quite well. I watched the JFK Carrier make its final port of call before being decommissioned next week only a few short blocks from my office (where it's still sitting, although it was supposed to leave today). Work's going well. I'm catching up on my finances. And Erich and I are doing well.

Then Erich got a call from his uncle. His mother is seriously ill. And as of right now, it's looking a bit grim.

His mom has been struggling for the better part of a year now. She shattered her leg last year, resulting in her being in traction for a while. She developed some side infections-- and with diabetes complicating her healing, it's been a very rocky, nasty road ever since. She's been in resident care for months. But a couple months ago, things were looking brighter-- she had a new doctor. She was able to go home once a week. It looked like she would be heading back to her apartment for good.

And then this weekend, she went south again. A new infection, which has resulted in sepsis. She's in the ICU, had to be knocked out because as her lucidity disappeared, she started messing with her IV. She's now on a ventilator. The doctor's not sugarcoating things. Things are not looking good.

Erich wisely took today off to make sure things are in order. Months ago, Erich's mom gave him power of attorney status over her affairs. He's been in steady contact with the hospital, getting updates. He's been discussing all of his mom's finances and state of affairs with his uncle, who lives next door to her. It's frightening to think about having to make such arrangements, but he's right to do so now.

Part of the problem is that for the better part of the year, he's relied on his mom to tell him what's going on. She told him flat out she didn't want him coming up to Maine, as she wasn't able to move much and didn't want a visit to be a depressing event of sitting around in a resident home. Whether or not she knew how bad things are, we're not sure. But I've been pushing him to get up to Maine to see her and get a sense of things with his own eyes now. He feels powerless. He's not sure what he can do, given that she's unconscious at the moment. And to a point, I can understand that. I know that a good portion of me would want to figure out a way to spend days by my mom's bedside, though. But I have that odd "I can will her back" dream about me, as stupid as it might be.

So anyway... I'll probably be quiet here for a few days. If you have ways of sending some extra healing energies... I know Erich's mom can use them... and Erich can, too.

- Mel.