Confusion is nothing new

So... 24 hours after the email that revealed the religious bigotry of my family and their attempt to blackmail the format of my wedding ceremony? I'm completely devastated. Absolutely at a loss. I've never felt so alienated from my family in my life.

And for those who have known me for a few years - yeah, much bigger than with my father and our falling out four years ago.

I've ranged from complete numbness to absolute rage to having to excuse myself at work to go cry in private. And I'm just fed up. Right now, I don't want any of my relatives at my wedding. Frankly, I think they're out to spoil the day for me by making it about themselves. And I already get the sense that some bullshit will happen at the wedding that will leave me in tears - and not of joy.

I'm literally right on the edge of cancelling the wedding and running away with Erich to Vegas. Or, at this point saying fuck all to being nice and considerate of my family's feelings and going forward with a handfasting rather than the considerate-of-all-faiths secular wedding. Erich recommends we have one more talk with my mom.

I envy his hope. I truly do.

Erich's also at the edge with this - who, per an email this morning, is so emotionally exhausted due to the last two months dealing with his mother's death - that he's unable to really think coherantly about this.

What he did do this morning, however, was to mention something that in my rage I'd forgotten about. Driving up 95 through Providence toward the train station, he looked over at me and quietly said "By the way... happy anniversary."

May 31st. Six years.

Committment, honor, love, stability, respect, growth - these are the things we've developed in our six years. The good, strong foundations of a relationship. I don't understand how that's not enough for my relatives.

I truly don't.

I can't see how any joy can come from continuing this wedding planning.

I'm just...


.