Profession: Adult Babysitter

Herding cats doesn't quite describe it. But I'm convinced that when you get a group of more than ten adults in a department and give them an administrative assistant, they all instantly become two year olds who can't do anything for themselves.

Today:

First subject of discussion is Coworker #1. Coworker #1 is a kind woman in her mid 40's who has worked at my company for the past seven years.

Coworker #1: Mel, do we have any paperclips?
Me: There should be a ton in the cabinet
Coworker #1: Yeah, I looked there. I didn't see any.
Me: (knowing that I just put twenty boxes of them in the cabinet yesterday). Top shelf on the right. Red Staples boxes. Just grab one.
Coworker #1: I didn't see any. I just need a couple. Can you help me?
Me: (name of coworker), I just put twenty boxes in the cabinet. There have to be some in there. No one goes through 20,000 paperclips in a day.
Coworker #1: I didn't see any. Honest.
Me: Okay. Fine. Let's go to the cabinet. (I get up, fighting the sigh)
Coworker #1: Okay.

There are 20 boxes of paperclips in the cabinet. Right where I told her. I handed her one. She takes FOUR PAPERCLIPS out of the box and HANDS IT BACK TO ME.

WTF?

Take the damn box. They cost a cent. Literally. Because I know you're going to come back tomorrow and ask me for a few more.

And really, is it that hard to read the red box that says "Paperclips" on the side?!?

I'm convinced she just wants my nifty colored ones that I got for cheap at Staples last year.


Second subject of discussion: Coworker #2

Coworker #2 has been with the company for a month and works for us through a temp agency. She's a tad clingy, and one of the ones who is in my cubicle ten times a day for something or other. I have physically disappeared from my cubicle on purpose when I've heard her coming.

Coworker #2: Mel, I haven't gotten paid for last week.
Me: For last week as in week ending Friday the 3rd?
Coworker #2: No. Thanksgiving week.
Me: Have you called payroll?
Coworker #2: No.
Me: Okay. You need to call them. I don't have access to paychecks.
Coworker #2: But you can cut me a check, right?
Me: No. I have no authority to cut checks.
Coworker #2: But you cut all of the checks.
Me: Noooo... Payroll cuts checks. Where did you hear that I did them?
Coworker #2: Well, admin assistants do all of the check writing, don't they? It's administrative.
Me: Payroll takes care of pay checks. Accounts payable takes care of any other checks.
Coworker #2: oh. (stops to think). So if I get you my timesheet, then you can give me my check? Because you send stuff to them, right?
Me: YOU need to send your timesheet to payroll. I can't send it there. (getting the picture) Did you turn in a timesheet for Thanksgiving week?
Coworker #2: No.
Me: Well, you need to do that, and then payroll can pay you. That's why you haven't been paid.
Coworker #2: Oh. Okay. But if I give it to you, you can get me paid today, right?


AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!

thankfully, one of the intelligent co-workers heard this conversation and called me from her desk to save me. I was able to shoo stupid coworker (#2) out of my cube.

How do these people survive? Honestly. I want to know.

*sigh*

(and one of these days, I'll have a positive entry. Honest)