Meandering thoughts

Erich's been busy the last week with arrangements and handling his mother's expenses and such- it's been a weird, busy week for him. Calling for mortuary arrangements, calling our lawyer to get the process rolling on her estate. But overall, he's doing... okay. Better than I would expect honestly. I suppose I've been holding my breath for him to break down or something.

I know, I know... guys don't work like that.

In any case, part of me feels like it's wrong trying to just carry on with life as if nothing happened. It's not like it really is that way, of course. But sometimes it feels that way.

In any case, no specific date is set for her memorial service. Erich made arrangements for Debby's body to be cremated. We'll have a small service to spread half of her ashes in Maine, and the other half will be interred in the family plot in Massachusetts. But no dates at this point- I imagine it'll be sometime this spring.

Writing out my Save the Date cards in the middle of this was honestly disturbing. It just felt completely wrong. But they had to be done... because we're now rolling in on six months away. I did them out of guilt and a desire to shut my mother up more than anything.

I know my regular readers will find no surprise in this statement- but any ounce of enjoyment/excitement that I might have had about planning my wedding (read=little) is permanently gone. It's going through the motions at this point. Debby's death is just the final mark of pain in this whole process for me to finally call it quits on the emotional front. Yes, I'm planning it. I'm quite sure I'll enjoy my wedding day, albeit with a bittersweet note. But no, the process leading up it is just going through motions now. Partially because with every ounce of excitement I'd show, it would get smacked down by a fight, or a frustration, or... death. It's all about meeting expectations of family members, and really not about the couple getting married. I'd laugh bitterly at anyone who says otherwise, based upon what I've experienced in two years.

September 23rd can't come fast enough so it's done with. I want to move on with our normal lives, enjoying the growth that comes through being a married couple legally... not just emotionally as we are now. Melinda said it best in an email recently to me (in not these exact words, of course)... that we were married emotionally when the engagement ring went on my finger in that blizzard two years ago.

And the irony is, my relationship with Erich is fantastic through all of this. If anything, I'd say it's getting better. Without going into too many details, sexual frustrations that have plagued our relationship (our one huge problem-- and it was my problem) for the better part of our relationship are going away on their own-- apparently stress at my old job was a HUGE part of those issues.



Yeah... my brain's a little cluttered these days. *sigh*