In Other Words: Faults

The greatest of faults, I should say, is to be conscious of none. -Thomas Carlyle

From In Other Words Meme...

The above quote, I can say with certainty, does not apply to me. Erich frequently interrupts me because if anything, I find faults with myself that he claims I don’t have. I am a horrible self-criticizer. The Queen of Faults, as it were.

I’m not quite sure why I’m as bad about myself as I am. Well, no… that’s not true. I know some of the reasons. There is the clichéd directed fault toward my parents, who did genuinely push me to improve. Most good parents do that, don’t they? The problem, though, was that I never felt good enough. I watched them reward my brother for his work in school when he’d get B’s, but if I got B’s… well, I needed to try harder. And the A’s were expected, but not rewarded.

Do I blame my parents? Yeah, part of me does. Or at least, I resent the memories of it. I recognizing how I’ve internalized comments, whether correctly or incorrectly, and now I’m trying to unlearn and rework. I internalized the pushing from my parents as “you’re not good enough. You need to do better.” It obliterated my self-esteem in high school and college, where “you’re not good enough” developed into “you’re a stupid, stupid person who sucks.” Self-loathing caught on. I used the faults that I did have to search for more, whether or not they actually existed.

Actually, I still do that. I shouldn’t kid myself.

I’m not much better now, but I am slowly improving. Just reading through my entries from five years ago and reading the subtle comments between the lines- things that probably only I can see- I know I’m improving. I still think I’m an ugly, fat cow of a woman. I consider myself obnoxiously lazy, and try to overcompensate by trying to do too much (and then never getting stuff done). I am embarrassed by my inability to be proactive. I’m not even passive-aggressive. I’m just passive. I will blatantly go out of my way to avoid conflict. Whenever possible, I always put others’ needs before my own. To a point, it’s a good thing. But I do take it too far. I know this. I simply don’t know where the line of excess is located so I can sit on its fence-like beauty and keep things in balance.

My biggest problem, though, is that I’ve come to see pride in myself as being self-absorbed and (for lack of another term) completely selfish. I only see this as an issue for me, by the way. I admire people who are comfortable in their own skin and self-assured. But for some reason, I “know” that it’s wrong to feel that way about myself. It’s stupid. Absolutely stupid. But I can’t seem to get over that final hurdle. I don’t want to be seen as self-absorbed, selfish, or having an inflated ego. The idea of being seen with those traits terrifies me.

I think the problem is that I see selfishness in myself and panic. Panic results in polarizing myself into a position where thinking about my own needs isn’t on the radar, let alone being a secondary consideration. And then, since I manage to polarize myself so strongly, I feel completely lost and out of touch… intensifying the “I’m complete and utter shit” feelings. I stay silent so I don’t appear to need help. (because again—admitting that I need help translates into “I’m not good enough.”)

It’s a vicious cycle. And the irony of all of this is that I actually DO see that it’s stupid and wrong, and that I need to change. I just haven’t figured out how I do this yet.

If I’ve managed to give my readers the illusion that I am a calm, collected, self-confident person… I’m shocked and pleased. But yes, it is a façade. It’s a façade that I’m working on building into a foundation. For the moment, though, I seem to have misplaced my trowel. Maybe it’s up in the Pit of Despair (aka my office).