Whining in a Winter Wonderland

The drive into work this morning was so pretty. We had some snow squalls overnight that left nearly every tree branch plastered with white. The roads were perfectly redusted, erasing the grime of cars from yesterday. It was so peaceful. I wish I'd had a camera to capture it. It helped brighten my mood a lot today.

I haven't been writing a lot this month, I know. It's honestly due to brain overload. I'm just really tired and feel like I'm going in about eighty directions at once. After work in the evenings, I don't want to do anything. It's affecting the condition of the apartment and the lives of those around me. I feel like I have a ton to do, but no energy to do it.

A good chunk of the problem is work-- I'm worn out. I'm not happy. I'm tired of having to defend the things that I know are going on to people who don't give a shit and want special treatment. I'm sick of hearing the back-ended gossip and having to bite my tongue on things I know are confidential (or simply know because I have slightly more corporate insider knowledge than a lot of people by being the admin). I get home and hear office rumors and complaints from my roommate and ex-coworker who doesn't have the whole story-- but thinks he does because he's talking to his friends who work in the department. And again, I have to watch my words and opinions because things are confidential. It's always been my thing to keep work and home separate if at all possible. Currently, it's not happening. It drives me nuts.

I do want to explore a new career that's not administrative related, but at the same time don't know where I want to explore, so I'm unwilling to jump ship. Do I want to go back to school? Do I just need to hold tight until after the wedding? Is it just growing pains with our new cross-site manager and the new people? Lots of different things. I'm just not motivated or excited about work. I haven't been for a while. I do need a change. But lots of things are changing in my life in the next year and a half or so, so whether or not I want to adjust everything at once is a huge issue for me. Lots to think about. Lots to consider.

Phone calls? I owe a few out to people. Letters, too. Birthday cards, too. Thank you cards, too. Beh. Andi-- I got your message, FYI. Just been running crazy. I won't be able to call you this weekend, but will touch base with you in the next couple weeks. Penpal letters. Web projects. Sorority events. I need to manage my time. I need to manage my life.

A lot of the problem also comes from the fact that I just cannot stay focused on things. I'm just sluggish and apathetic. I'd blame some of it on the winter-- but it's really me. I think I'm in a depressive bout, but want to get checked out. I've made an appointment for next month to see if it's something chemical that can be rebalanced. (not that I'm thrilled about the idea of going onto antidepressants... but if it can help me function better, then it's what needs to be done). This honestly could be the root of the problem-- my brain just refuses to function some times. I'm willing. I want to. But I cannot move toward getting stuff done. I need to find the solution to that.

The one thing that is good? My sleep seems to be better. I'm only waking up once or twice a night. Usually due to Gus and his fascination with gravity or attention needs. Otherwise, I'm sleeping fairly soundly from 12:30 a.m. to around quarter of seven, when I start hearing things on my own. I wake up with the alarm or quarter of eight, whichever comes first.

Anyway... sorry for the depressive entry. The weird thing is... on the surface I'm feeling fine. I must be unconsciously bottling things up again.

Dammit.