Thursday Thirteen #1: Things I'm thinking about

Trying a new meme today... :)

Thirteen Things I'm thinking about these days... 1. I'm very happy to have finally figured out what type of wedding I want, where I want it, etc. Now I'm just hoping that everything goes well when my mother comes up to book the place next month. 2. Part of me is honestly regretting going to the Bahamas. I've completely screwed myself up financially and keep overdrafting my bank account. Dammit. 3. Is it Friday afternoon yet? 4. Miracle of miracles, my computer seems to be working correctly. Just in time for a weekend LAN party. 5. I sadly know I'm not committing myself to NaNoWriMo this year. I don't have the heart for it this year. 6. Lane Bryant has some shockingly cool clothes right now. Last Friday I was hanging out in the Cambridgeside Galleria for the afternoon, waiting for Erich to get off work. For the past two years, I've been very frustrated with clothes shopping because the cuts were so unappealing. I was questioning whether I'd crossed that age line with their clothing. But Friday, I swear that if I had the money, I could have walked out of there with half the store. Loved the colors. Loved the cuts. Loved that so much was taking a more sophisticated edge. And of course, this is when I don't have money. Figures. 7. Glad we had a LAN party scheduled for this weekend. It now looks to be a washout as the remaining bands of Ernesto move forward. 8. Also glad I no longer live in Boston-- we've entered the annual two day period of Moving Hell. Glad I now own and don't have to move unless I want to. Which preferably will be many, many years off. 8a. And speaking of annual Moving Hell-- how the hell is it already the eve of September? I was in San Diego at Melinda's wedding only a couple weeks ago, I swear. 9. I'm very worried for Erich's mom due to her health problems this year. And I want to figure out a way for us to visit her as soon as possible, because it's important we get up there. (it's nothing fatal... but the poor woman has been the hospital/rehab hospice for the better part of the year). 10. I've been seeing bright red leaves on trees all over the place already-- autumn is hitting hard and early this year. I'm willing to bet winter will be, too. 11. So far, the color I'm seeing suggests an absolutely eye-dropping season of color. I'm planning on being very picture-happy over the next several weeks. 12. Having watched Project Runway religiously for two seasons now, I'm getting annoyed at how the show is sinking into "just another reality show" production. I'm not a fashionista, but I find the creative process of clothing design fascinating. It's why I started watching. I don't want to watch personal sniping. Show me the clothes, dammit. I can watch the cattiness known as The Real World if I want that kind of mind-numbing bitching that I'm seeing between Jeffrey and the rest of the cast. 13. I have a serious craving for Indian food, which I simply can't afford right now... mmm... vindaloo... Links to other Thursday Thirteens! Buttercup - Guppyman - PaxilPrincess - Gail - Frances - Denise - Deanna - Anne - Jersey Girl - Wolfbernz

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The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

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In Other Words: Faults

The greatest of faults, I should say, is to be conscious of none. -Thomas Carlyle

From In Other Words Meme...

The above quote, I can say with certainty, does not apply to me. Erich frequently interrupts me because if anything, I find faults with myself that he claims I don’t have. I am a horrible self-criticizer. The Queen of Faults, as it were.

I’m not quite sure why I’m as bad about myself as I am. Well, no… that’s not true. I know some of the reasons. There is the clichéd directed fault toward my parents, who did genuinely push me to improve. Most good parents do that, don’t they? The problem, though, was that I never felt good enough. I watched them reward my brother for his work in school when he’d get B’s, but if I got B’s… well, I needed to try harder. And the A’s were expected, but not rewarded.

Do I blame my parents? Yeah, part of me does. Or at least, I resent the memories of it. I recognizing how I’ve internalized comments, whether correctly or incorrectly, and now I’m trying to unlearn and rework. I internalized the pushing from my parents as “you’re not good enough. You need to do better.” It obliterated my self-esteem in high school and college, where “you’re not good enough” developed into “you’re a stupid, stupid person who sucks.” Self-loathing caught on. I used the faults that I did have to search for more, whether or not they actually existed.

Actually, I still do that. I shouldn’t kid myself.

I’m not much better now, but I am slowly improving. Just reading through my entries from five years ago and reading the subtle comments between the lines- things that probably only I can see- I know I’m improving. I still think I’m an ugly, fat cow of a woman. I consider myself obnoxiously lazy, and try to overcompensate by trying to do too much (and then never getting stuff done). I am embarrassed by my inability to be proactive. I’m not even passive-aggressive. I’m just passive. I will blatantly go out of my way to avoid conflict. Whenever possible, I always put others’ needs before my own. To a point, it’s a good thing. But I do take it too far. I know this. I simply don’t know where the line of excess is located so I can sit on its fence-like beauty and keep things in balance.

My biggest problem, though, is that I’ve come to see pride in myself as being self-absorbed and (for lack of another term) completely selfish. I only see this as an issue for me, by the way. I admire people who are comfortable in their own skin and self-assured. But for some reason, I “know” that it’s wrong to feel that way about myself. It’s stupid. Absolutely stupid. But I can’t seem to get over that final hurdle. I don’t want to be seen as self-absorbed, selfish, or having an inflated ego. The idea of being seen with those traits terrifies me.

I think the problem is that I see selfishness in myself and panic. Panic results in polarizing myself into a position where thinking about my own needs isn’t on the radar, let alone being a secondary consideration. And then, since I manage to polarize myself so strongly, I feel completely lost and out of touch… intensifying the “I’m complete and utter shit” feelings. I stay silent so I don’t appear to need help. (because again—admitting that I need help translates into “I’m not good enough.”)

It’s a vicious cycle. And the irony of all of this is that I actually DO see that it’s stupid and wrong, and that I need to change. I just haven’t figured out how I do this yet.

If I’ve managed to give my readers the illusion that I am a calm, collected, self-confident person… I’m shocked and pleased. But yes, it is a façade. It’s a façade that I’m working on building into a foundation. For the moment, though, I seem to have misplaced my trowel. Maybe it’s up in the Pit of Despair (aka my office).

Weekends of Warcrack

Aside from the wedding, it's just been a really busy month. This weekend was (believe it or not) the first completely dead weekend we've had all summer-- and it was organized that way. Erich and I did essentially nothing, other than catching up on dishes and a couple loads of laundry. It was dreary outside for most of Sunday and made for perfect couch weather.

I did about 4 or 5 hours of stitching done on Apache Wedding Blessing over the weekend. Nearly all of the pale yellow across the bottom border (where "Apache Wedding Blessing" is backstitched) is complete. I've also started the dark trees just above that block. I'd ideally like to get that entire bottom border- including the trees and sunset - done before I receive the first UFO RR piece in mid to late September. The feathers on the right border will stitch up a bit slow, but the rest of that side will go very, very fast. I'm confident I'll have it done by the holidays. (yay!)

Erich and I both also played quite a bit of World of Warcrack this weekend, including a new instance within the game that I hadn't played before. As I may or may not have mentioned earlier in the month, we decided to join a new guild in-game, and it's kept us quite busy. For the uninitiated... guilds in these massive online games are essentially communities within the game. They organize runs into the multi-player scenarios ("instances") that require anywhere from 5 to 40 people to play, depending on where you're going. Our old guild was comprised only of our close friends- the ones we see on the weekends for Dungeons & Dragons games and such. It was good for the lower levels of the game where we'd only need between 2-5 people to group for some of the quests (aka in-game assignments giving you projects to develop your character). But the problem was that we were simply too small to really do any of the instances at the highest level. In that case, it's easy to get stuck with really not much to do. We needed a change because the game was getting quite boring. A few conversations via email with our friends also really pushed both of us to start looking.

My first instinct was to contact the Burrito Bandits. I've worked on a couple of things along the way with them. They were a friendly group and seemed to have a great sense of humor. They also had a guild philosophy that was in line with the type of gameplay we do. That's the important thing with a guild-- making sure you join one that fits your play style. Some guilds demand a LOT of time-- so much, in fact, that it could be argued that it's a second job. And some players really go for that. Heck, if I were in college, I probably would. The real-life stuff, however, requires that I don't play that often. And of course, there is the fact that I don't WANT to be spending every moment of free time, including possibly some of my sleep time, in that game.

So Erich applied to the guild first, and was nearly immediately accepted. I did the same a couple days later, and was nearly immediately accepted. We've both been learning how to do the 20-man instances. We're meeting new people. We're having a good time. It's geeky and time-wasting, but a great way to relax. :)'

OK... back to work.

Frank & Teresa get married

Has it really been nearly two weeks since I updated? Where has this month gone?!? Lots of catch up on, and I'm going to force myself to break up the entries by topic...

It's continued to be a busy summer- the Year of Weddings continued on Thursday evening at the celebration of our friends Frank and Teresa. Frank and I went to college together and have known each other for about a decade now. I met Teresa about a year into Frank & T's relationship. They're a fantastic match for each other. The wedding and reception were very elegant, yet still had that wonderful relaxed atmosphere about it. T had selected Ocean Cliff in Newport. As soon as we went on to the back patio, everything looked familiar to me for some reason. I know I've been there. But I honestly can't remember why, and I'm certain I didn't STAY there with family. Very weird.

And shocker of shocker to those who know me-- I was actually wearing heels - STRAPPY heels, even - to this thing. AND... I didn't so much as wobble on them.

*beams*

In any case, it was a lovely wedding- romantic, happy and tear-ey at the same time. I haven't yet updated photos, but I'll be sure to do that and edit this entry later today... :)

SBQ's

It's a Wednesday, which means that I'm actually on time for my Stitcher Blogging Questions...

8/9/06: For those of you who use hand or over-dyed floss, how do you store it? Currently, my collection of Weeks Dye Works and Sampler threads are stored on their tags, lying flat in a drawer. Nothing special-- but I store DMC threads on wound bobbins in crafting storage tubs that have slots made for bobbins. (Well, mine are actually made for Matchbox car collections... but they work just fine!)

8/16/06: Do you have an organizational system for your fabric? If so, what is it? If not, what do you store your fabric in?

I'm in the process of putting together a system, actually... but for right now, the answer is no, sadly. It's scattered around my hosue at the moment. However... going into the next question of the week for my grand plan...

How do people store their fabric, especially those small but potentially usable pieces? Do they sort by count? How do they label it or otherwise know what each piece is?

Ideally, I'll have all of my fabrics stored by count size, and then labelled with their officially given color (although that's honestly not as important to me... as long as it works with the threads).

I have an Excel spreadsheet that lists all of my kits, charts, specialty threads (no DMC listed, but Kreniks, overdyes, beading notions, etc.), WIPS, etc. Ideally I'd like it to also list the fabrics (and estimated size) that I have in my stash.