Each year, I've done this entry for myself to look back, month by month, and take stock of what happened, how I see it now (after the fact), and how I see things going.
This year, it's honestly impossible to go month by month. The events in my life this year have transpired over the months, overlapping like waves on the shoreline. One would begin to pull back for a while as another one came to the foreground.
Honestly-- I'm fucking exhausted. Thankfully, it's a good exhaustion for the most part. I think upon heading to the New Year's party tonight at our friends' house, I can't help but remark at how completely different things are from last year, when we headed to the same house to celebrate with the same group of friends.
It has been a hard year for so many people that I know, and so many hundreds of thousands that I don't know. 2005 definitely is a year of sadness and pain on a global scale - which makes me all the more squeamish about posting an entry that reflects on my personal year, which was surprisingly good.
I can't ignore reflecting on this, though-- it's been quite possibly the biggest year of change I've had in my life so far.
This year can be summed up for my personal life by three things-
Turning 30
Getting Engaged
Buying a House
Age is a number, or so they say... and perhaps, for most of the years, that's true. I'll call bullshit on that for 30, though. I do feel different at 30 than I did at 29. A lot different. It felt different the morning I woke up on my birthday. My 20's, which were a downright shitty decade of confusion and pain, were over. I was no longer the "kid" at work, or at home. I finally had reached adulthood in my parents eyes, and the need to please them and prove myself to them was no longer the important goal it once was. I met the invisible milestone-- to survive my twenties. Thank Goddess.
Eleven days after my birthday, Erich and I were in the Boston at our annual Geekfest, and decided that we'd go out for dinner Saturday night. What would become known as the Blizzard of 2005 was bearing down on New England, the estimates of snowfall changing by the hour as it approached, each time getting considerably worse.
In the storm's first hours, I experienced my most romantic night to date.
To think that tonight, one year ago, I was nearly in tears on the back porch of Chris and Sara's house, convinced that Erich would never ask me to marry him. (I was, in fact, very drunk... but also very stupid).
Even more amusing, to think that I had been convinced that I'd never marry. Six or seven years ago, Andi, our friend Jenn, and I were sitting in the living room of Andi's parent's house (the last time I've seen either of them in person, oddly), and we were discussing our relationships. Jenn was married. She and her husband were buying a house. Andi was in a relationship (although I can't recall if she was dating her now husband at that point). I was downright bitter and miserable about life, being in the middle of dealing with Yet Another Round of Jason Bullshit, and convinced that I was so worthless as a human being that I would never find anyone. At some point that evening, I recall making a comment that somehow, I always knew I'd never marry.
MmmmHmmm...
That alone should be the event that is used to remind me that I over-react way too often.
Event #3 of the year somewhat put a damper on the wedding plans, of course. We're just now in the initial phases. We'll have a date one of these days. Really. Honest.
*smiles sweetly*
And onto event #3...
365 days, give or take a few hours, ago... buying a house wasn't even on the horizon. Erich and I commented on how we'd LIKE to buy something someday. We'd pick up the flyers in the grocery store for the "for sale by owner" ads, and dream. Deep down, though, we figured we couldn't afford it. At least, not in New England, where we both wanted to stay. It would be years before we'd be able to put any money down on a house. Until then, we'd continue to grab those flyers at the store, discuss the type of houses we liked, and enjoy the wishful thinking.
And then Mid-March comes around, and we decide to throw all of that dreaming out the window as a house... THE house... came out of nowhere.
Here's the fucked up timeline...
Late February, 2005-- Erich makes a mention to Sara (our host for the New Year's Eve parties), that we might be interested in getting a sense of houses in the Providence area, since he liked our friend Frank's house, and was surprised by the price difference.
March 4th-- we head to Pennsylvania for my grandfather's 80th birthday (I put this here to drive the point that on this date, a house wasn't even in our MINDS). That same weekend, Minarae and Petrouchka get engaged.
Thursday, March 10th- Sara (our friend who hosts the New Year's parties) emails Erich a photo and listing of a house in Providence that just came on the market the day before that she thinks we really should see.
Friday, March 11th - I write an entry about things happening, acutely aware that something REALLY HUGE is on the horizon, but I can't figure what.
Sunday, March 13th- We look at the house and really, really like it.
Monday, March 14th- We make an offer on the house at the asking price. Within hours, there are multiple other offers on it, and the house is taken OFF the listing market and put into a "pending" status.
Tuesday, March 15th- Our offer is accepted. Oh wait... shit. There's that whole DOWN PAYMENT issue. Quick, start calling relatives!
April 26th- We close on the house and sign all of the papers.
Seriously-- it's the most fucked up thing ever. I would sit there at the apartment for hours and just stare at the wall.
I definitely don't recommend anyone try this method of house buying. It's not good on the brain.
It makes for some damn great stories and memories, though.
Six months after moving in, I still think we're insane. I often don't feel like enough of a grown-up to handle a house. I still can't believe that I'm a co-owner ON a house. Yet here I am, sitting in my own office, looking out onto my own yard where the New Year's snow is starting to softly fall. The excitement of it just hits me again out of nowhere. I OWN this. This is mine.
It's so fucking cool.
...
Against these things, the rest of my personal year seems so uneventful. THIS is what my life has been this year. I haven't kept in contact with people. I haven't read journals. I haven't made the phone calls or written letters.
And I apologize. I truly do. My introvert brain has simply gone on complete overload this year because it's been such a rollercoaster year of growth for me.
Life comes full circle, doesn't it? Perhaps as I get older, I'll sit on the couch and look back in wonder at 2005, where so many pieces of my life came together and miraculously, how I recognized it as things happened.
It's been one hell of a year.
Happy New Year, everyone. May 2006 be more interesting-- but hopefully calmer -- than 2005.
31 December 2005
30 December 2005
Hairy issues
I have a day off. A glorious, sunny day off... all for me. And said day off will kick off that glorious rare thing-- a four day weekend.
Whee!
Although it's starting off on an awkward note- I've needed a haircut for a while, and decided to trim my bangs up myself, since they need the immediate attention. This is, by the way, something I normally do because my hair is very strong and grows evenly. I've been allowing it to grow so it's longer for my wedding, and almost have it at the bottom of my shoulder blades, where I want it. To do this, though, I need to just let it grow for a while because the original cut had tons of layers in it since my hair was so thick. For eighteen months, I was good about going to the salon every six weeks. Each time, they'd trim it, but add more layers in-- some cuts facing the wrong way, and the stupid ski jump flips started showing up on my ends. I have STICK straight hair, so these cuts really are noticeable. Now it's at the point where I have so many lengths of hair on my head that I can't even get it into a ponytail without all sorts of retarded spikes sticking out. It drives me nuts.
I decided that to fix it, I just need to let it grow for a while. I'll go in sometime this spring to the salon, have the stylist do a straight cut across to clean up all of the ends, and then just continue to let it grow and get maintenance trims every six weeks so it's even and straight and can be put into an "updo" for the wedding if that's what I decide to do.
Anyway... this morning after my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, trimming comb and scissors in hand. Deep breath, even it out... cut.
Well, I trimmed the bangs a tad short. Not horrendously so, but they're about a quarter inch above my eyebrows. I'm kicking myself a bit, but with how fast my hair grows they'll probably be halfway down the lenses of my glasses again by the 10th. Thankfully, our New Year's Eve plans involve hanging out with friends, who already know I'm a goober and a klutz. *shrug*
*sigh*
If I weren't too chicken to grow out my bangs, this wouldn't be a problem...
Whee!
Although it's starting off on an awkward note- I've needed a haircut for a while, and decided to trim my bangs up myself, since they need the immediate attention. This is, by the way, something I normally do because my hair is very strong and grows evenly. I've been allowing it to grow so it's longer for my wedding, and almost have it at the bottom of my shoulder blades, where I want it. To do this, though, I need to just let it grow for a while because the original cut had tons of layers in it since my hair was so thick. For eighteen months, I was good about going to the salon every six weeks. Each time, they'd trim it, but add more layers in-- some cuts facing the wrong way, and the stupid ski jump flips started showing up on my ends. I have STICK straight hair, so these cuts really are noticeable. Now it's at the point where I have so many lengths of hair on my head that I can't even get it into a ponytail without all sorts of retarded spikes sticking out. It drives me nuts.
I decided that to fix it, I just need to let it grow for a while. I'll go in sometime this spring to the salon, have the stylist do a straight cut across to clean up all of the ends, and then just continue to let it grow and get maintenance trims every six weeks so it's even and straight and can be put into an "updo" for the wedding if that's what I decide to do.
Anyway... this morning after my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, trimming comb and scissors in hand. Deep breath, even it out... cut.
Well, I trimmed the bangs a tad short. Not horrendously so, but they're about a quarter inch above my eyebrows. I'm kicking myself a bit, but with how fast my hair grows they'll probably be halfway down the lenses of my glasses again by the 10th. Thankfully, our New Year's Eve plans involve hanging out with friends, who already know I'm a goober and a klutz. *shrug*
*sigh*
If I weren't too chicken to grow out my bangs, this wouldn't be a problem...
29 December 2005
2005 fill in the blanks
In 2005, I gained a fiance, a house, and two cats... and some weight..
I lost that post-collegiate feeling of not having responsibility for anything yet. (aka... twenty-something's over!)
I stopped dealing with tenants next door and downstairs.
I started realizing how much time maintaining a house takes.
I was hugely satisfied by accomplishing two moves (work and home) in the span of a month.
And frustrated by the miscommunication between my boss and me.
I am so embarrassed that I still suck in managing my money.
Once again, I attempted to find something positive every day, and remember to tell Erich I loved him every day.
Once again, I did not exercise as I should.
The biggest physical difference between me last December and this December is I've sadly gained some weight.
The biggest psychological difference between me last December and this December is a lot more stress and frustration, due to my work environment.
I loved spending time with Erich, the cats, and working on my stitching.
Why did I spend even two minutes dealing with J. bullshit.
I should have spent more time contacting my long-distance friends.
I regret buying expensive lunches that I really didn't need, both cost and calorie-wise.
I will never regret buying hired time with a moving company even though with that money I could have bought all of the supplies to strip and paint at least two rooms of the house.
I fret way too much.
I didn't stay in touch enough.
Work drove me crazy.
Was everything crazier than ever last year? Or was it me?
The most relaxing place I went was Maine.
I feel so reflective when I write that down.
Why did I go to that movie that I knew I'd hate just from watching the previews?
The best thing I did for someone else was give a listening ear and a hug when needed.
The best thing I did for myself was realize the problems in my life, and start to work through them to make things better.
The best thing someone did for me was (two things) propose to me; help fund the down payment on the house.
The one thing I'd like to do again, but do it better, is find a better job.
( Fill in the blanks.. courtesy of Chicago Tribune's Mary Schmich )
I lost that post-collegiate feeling of not having responsibility for anything yet. (aka... twenty-something's over!)
I stopped dealing with tenants next door and downstairs.
I started realizing how much time maintaining a house takes.
I was hugely satisfied by accomplishing two moves (work and home) in the span of a month.
And frustrated by the miscommunication between my boss and me.
I am so embarrassed that I still suck in managing my money.
Once again, I attempted to find something positive every day, and remember to tell Erich I loved him every day.
Once again, I did not exercise as I should.
The biggest physical difference between me last December and this December is I've sadly gained some weight.
The biggest psychological difference between me last December and this December is a lot more stress and frustration, due to my work environment.
I loved spending time with Erich, the cats, and working on my stitching.
Why did I spend even two minutes dealing with J. bullshit.
I should have spent more time contacting my long-distance friends.
I regret buying expensive lunches that I really didn't need, both cost and calorie-wise.
I will never regret buying hired time with a moving company even though with that money I could have bought all of the supplies to strip and paint at least two rooms of the house.
I fret way too much.
I didn't stay in touch enough.
Work drove me crazy.
Was everything crazier than ever last year? Or was it me?
The most relaxing place I went was Maine.
I feel so reflective when I write that down.
Why did I go to that movie that I knew I'd hate just from watching the previews?
The best thing I did for someone else was give a listening ear and a hug when needed.
The best thing I did for myself was realize the problems in my life, and start to work through them to make things better.
The best thing someone did for me was (two things) propose to me; help fund the down payment on the house.
The one thing I'd like to do again, but do it better, is find a better job.
( Fill in the blanks.. courtesy of Chicago Tribune's Mary Schmich )
28 December 2005
Only an aquaintance
** removing this entry ***
Andi dropped me a surprised and pained email about this entry. Apparently my thoughts did not translate well to screen, and it misled her to think that I was talking about her no longer being a friend. Because of that, I'm removing the entry-- if she can read it as applying to her, so could a lot of people that it doesn't refer to. Which means I really, really screwed up.
I've sent her an email, but wanted to post this here in case she read it first....
Nothing could be further from the truth that I was talking about you, Andi. You are, and always has been, my sister and closest friend (along now, of course, with Erich). What I'd intended to get across with my entry was that you is the example of a friendship that has not been damaged by time, or distance, or events in our lives. You and I have had bad times, but somehow, we've always worked through it and come out on the end in a position that's arguably stronger than before.
So Andi, no... I apologize for misleading you in my attempt to be vague, and most importantly for the pain it caused you. And hopefully my email to you will clear that up, and also why I was attempting to make the entry vague while also venting my frustration. And also to explain some other things that really needed to be said.
As I mention in the email-- give me the kick in the ass when I'm being one. Because coming from you, I'll definitely be paying attention.
~ Mel.
Andi dropped me a surprised and pained email about this entry. Apparently my thoughts did not translate well to screen, and it misled her to think that I was talking about her no longer being a friend. Because of that, I'm removing the entry-- if she can read it as applying to her, so could a lot of people that it doesn't refer to. Which means I really, really screwed up.
I've sent her an email, but wanted to post this here in case she read it first....
Nothing could be further from the truth that I was talking about you, Andi. You are, and always has been, my sister and closest friend (along now, of course, with Erich). What I'd intended to get across with my entry was that you is the example of a friendship that has not been damaged by time, or distance, or events in our lives. You and I have had bad times, but somehow, we've always worked through it and come out on the end in a position that's arguably stronger than before.
So Andi, no... I apologize for misleading you in my attempt to be vague, and most importantly for the pain it caused you. And hopefully my email to you will clear that up, and also why I was attempting to make the entry vague while also venting my frustration. And also to explain some other things that really needed to be said.
As I mention in the email-- give me the kick in the ass when I'm being one. Because coming from you, I'll definitely be paying attention.
~ Mel.
Mental list
Pay this entry no mind unless you want to see what a slacker I really am for not getting chores done-- I'm just typing this here to keep it handy and not lost on a piece of paper... somewhere...
Kitchen
-------
Dishes
Stove
Counters
Floor
Sort through all papers & recycle
Cans/bottles to recycling
Clean out fridge
Make grocery list for Friday
Reorganize dishes and pots, put back where belong
House chores
-----------
Vaccuum wood floors all rooms
Vaccuum upholstery on couches
Scrub bathroom
Take down tree on Monday & pack up ornaments
Check tree pickup times with Providence waste resources
Order new bottle/can recycle bin
Put away laundry
Take dry cleaning to cleaners (except ren stuff)
Rake remaining leaves on grass
Oil change for Jeep
Finances
---------
Bank deposit
Buy T-pass on Friday
Pay off credit card
pay off car insurance
mortgage check to Erich
bills to go elsewhere
cash in scratch tickets
Contacts/letters/personal
----------
Thank you notes for gifts
Thank you posts for cards on DX
Yahoo group swaps
Postcrossing exchanges
Order replacement battery for laptop
Return Ivanna's call from Tuesday
Find planner binder & set up 2006
Gifts for Yankee swap on New Year's Eve
Contact Sara re: food for NYE
Letter to Andi
Letter to Grandma
Find World's Largest Dungeon notebook & transcribe notes
Mail to mom and Jim
Wedding
----------
Discuss with Erich
Start attendee list
Call Mom
Kitchen
-------
Dishes
Stove
Counters
Floor
Sort through all papers & recycle
Cans/bottles to recycling
Clean out fridge
Make grocery list for Friday
Reorganize dishes and pots, put back where belong
House chores
-----------
Vaccuum wood floors all rooms
Vaccuum upholstery on couches
Scrub bathroom
Take down tree on Monday & pack up ornaments
Check tree pickup times with Providence waste resources
Order new bottle/can recycle bin
Put away laundry
Take dry cleaning to cleaners (except ren stuff)
Rake remaining leaves on grass
Oil change for Jeep
Finances
---------
Bank deposit
Buy T-pass on Friday
Pay off credit card
pay off car insurance
mortgage check to Erich
bills to go elsewhere
cash in scratch tickets
Contacts/letters/personal
----------
Thank you notes for gifts
Thank you posts for cards on DX
Yahoo group swaps
Order replacement battery for laptop
Return Ivanna's call from Tuesday
Find planner binder & set up 2006
Gifts for Yankee swap on New Year's Eve
Letter to Andi
Letter to Grandma
Find World's Largest Dungeon notebook & transcribe notes
Mail to mom and Jim
Wedding
----------
Discuss with Erich
Start attendee list
Call Mom
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
