Closing Down the Year

Each year, I've done this entry for myself to look back, month by month, and take stock of what happened, how I see it now (after the fact), and how I see things going.

This year, it's honestly impossible to go month by month. The events in my life this year have transpired over the months, overlapping like waves on the shoreline. One would begin to pull back for a while as another one came to the foreground.

Honestly-- I'm fucking exhausted. Thankfully, it's a good exhaustion for the most part. I think upon heading to the New Year's party tonight at our friends' house, I can't help but remark at how completely different things are from last year, when we headed to the same house to celebrate with the same group of friends.

It has been a hard year for so many people that I know, and so many hundreds of thousands that I don't know. 2005 definitely is a year of sadness and pain on a global scale - which makes me all the more squeamish about posting an entry that reflects on my personal year, which was surprisingly good.

I can't ignore reflecting on this, though-- it's been quite possibly the biggest year of change I've had in my life so far.

This year can be summed up for my personal life by three things-

Turning 30
Getting Engaged
Buying a House

Age is a number, or so they say... and perhaps, for most of the years, that's true. I'll call bullshit on that for 30, though. I do feel different at 30 than I did at 29. A lot different. It felt different the morning I woke up on my birthday. My 20's, which were a downright shitty decade of confusion and pain, were over. I was no longer the "kid" at work, or at home. I finally had reached adulthood in my parents eyes, and the need to please them and prove myself to them was no longer the important goal it once was. I met the invisible milestone-- to survive my twenties. Thank Goddess.

Eleven days after my birthday, Erich and I were in the Boston at our annual Geekfest, and decided that we'd go out for dinner Saturday night. What would become known as the Blizzard of 2005 was bearing down on New England, the estimates of snowfall changing by the hour as it approached, each time getting considerably worse.

In the storm's first hours, I experienced my most romantic night to date.

To think that tonight, one year ago, I was nearly in tears on the back porch of Chris and Sara's house, convinced that Erich would never ask me to marry him. (I was, in fact, very drunk... but also very stupid).

Even more amusing, to think that I had been convinced that I'd never marry. Six or seven years ago, Andi, our friend Jenn, and I were sitting in the living room of Andi's parent's house (the last time I've seen either of them in person, oddly), and we were discussing our relationships. Jenn was married. She and her husband were buying a house. Andi was in a relationship (although I can't recall if she was dating her now husband at that point). I was downright bitter and miserable about life, being in the middle of dealing with Yet Another Round of Jason Bullshit, and convinced that I was so worthless as a human being that I would never find anyone. At some point that evening, I recall making a comment that somehow, I always knew I'd never marry.

MmmmHmmm...

That alone should be the event that is used to remind me that I over-react way too often.

Event #3 of the year somewhat put a damper on the wedding plans, of course. We're just now in the initial phases. We'll have a date one of these days. Really. Honest.

*smiles sweetly*

And onto event #3...

365 days, give or take a few hours, ago... buying a house wasn't even on the horizon. Erich and I commented on how we'd LIKE to buy something someday. We'd pick up the flyers in the grocery store for the "for sale by owner" ads, and dream. Deep down, though, we figured we couldn't afford it. At least, not in New England, where we both wanted to stay. It would be years before we'd be able to put any money down on a house. Until then, we'd continue to grab those flyers at the store, discuss the type of houses we liked, and enjoy the wishful thinking.

And then Mid-March comes around, and we decide to throw all of that dreaming out the window as a house... THE house... came out of nowhere.

Here's the fucked up timeline...

Late February, 2005-- Erich makes a mention to Sara (our host for the New Year's Eve parties), that we might be interested in getting a sense of houses in the Providence area, since he liked our friend Frank's house, and was surprised by the price difference.

March 4th-- we head to Pennsylvania for my grandfather's 80th birthday (I put this here to drive the point that on this date, a house wasn't even in our MINDS). That same weekend, Minarae and Petrouchka get engaged.

Thursday, March 10th- Sara (our friend who hosts the New Year's parties) emails Erich a photo and listing of a house in Providence that just came on the market the day before that she thinks we really should see.

Friday, March 11th - I write an entry about things happening, acutely aware that something REALLY HUGE is on the horizon, but I can't figure what.

Sunday, March 13th- We look at the house and really, really like it.

Monday, March 14th- We make an offer on the house at the asking price. Within hours, there are multiple other offers on it, and the house is taken OFF the listing market and put into a "pending" status.

Tuesday, March 15th- Our offer is accepted. Oh wait... shit. There's that whole DOWN PAYMENT issue. Quick, start calling relatives!

April 26th- We close on the house and sign all of the papers.


Seriously-- it's the most fucked up thing ever. I would sit there at the apartment for hours and just stare at the wall.

I definitely don't recommend anyone try this method of house buying. It's not good on the brain.

It makes for some damn great stories and memories, though.

Six months after moving in, I still think we're insane. I often don't feel like enough of a grown-up to handle a house. I still can't believe that I'm a co-owner ON a house. Yet here I am, sitting in my own office, looking out onto my own yard where the New Year's snow is starting to softly fall. The excitement of it just hits me again out of nowhere. I OWN this. This is mine.

It's so fucking cool.

...

Against these things, the rest of my personal year seems so uneventful. THIS is what my life has been this year. I haven't kept in contact with people. I haven't read journals. I haven't made the phone calls or written letters.

And I apologize. I truly do. My introvert brain has simply gone on complete overload this year because it's been such a rollercoaster year of growth for me.

Life comes full circle, doesn't it? Perhaps as I get older, I'll sit on the couch and look back in wonder at 2005, where so many pieces of my life came together and miraculously, how I recognized it as things happened.

It's been one hell of a year.



Happy New Year, everyone. May 2006 be more interesting-- but hopefully calmer -- than 2005.