Personal exposure

Erich's had a nickname for me, said somewhat jokingly because of my blogging online for so long - "Measi, Queen of the Internets." It generally gets an eyeroll from me, sometimes an amused snort, and we carry on.

And then this week has rolled around, and I feel a bit wigged.

It all started last week when a member on LiveJournal posted a truly atrocious opinion article about a particular subset of Doctor Who fandom, accusing them of ruining the show, being racists because they didn't like a particular character, and just a lot of nonsense that basically is summed up with "they don't agree with me, so they suck." And I got sucked into the fire for a few brief hours, being careful not to troll but also to vent my anger. This type of insane drama, for those not in the internet fandom community, is generally known as wank. And if you're familiar with that phrase and its British usage... you're on the right track as far as the quality of these discussions.

Anyway - I did quickly come to my senses and backed off, shaking my head at the idiots who decide to determine fandom for everyone else, and started my week. But a lot of quiet, kind emails have followed me back to my little corner of LiveJournal, saying I was right to say what I did, in the manner that I did.

Was I? I'm not so sure. I stand by my words - I did mean what I say, how I said them. But I feel a bit dirty for jumping into any sort of fanwank.

And then my first completed fanfic in eight years was published for one of the fandom ficathons... that was early Monday morning. Oh, might I add (for the readers who aren't reading this via LiveJournal, where it's posted), I finally got over my fear of writing intimacy, and jumped in for this fic. And as nervous as I was to write it, it did feel good - liberating, even - to finally cross over that barrier. Definitely a sense of accomplishment, even if my ultra-introvert mind feels like I'm standing naked in the public square with a ton of onlookers. Writing sex scenes is... well, quite the exposure. I was taught, and generally have composed based on the "write what you know" philosphy.

That gets a bit personal when you're dealing with sex. And so I've been terrified of it.

So early Monday, it gets posted. To my surprise, so far people are really liking it. Me - who always thinks my writing is complete utter shit. People are liking it. I'm getting added to favorite author lists on fanfic sites for it. I go to my friends' list on LiveJournal this morning, and I'm seeing it rec'ed by a few people.

All a bit surreal for me.

Does it make me more confident as a writer? Oh hell no. The day I feel good as a writer is probably the day I need to stop. Insecurity is probably the driving force that makes me always try to improve.

Encouraging? Definitely. Once this wedding is over, I'm looking forward to more writing.

But in the meantime, I'll switch between being flattered and wigged out over here in my corner. Because contrary to the "Measi, Queen of the Internets" persona, I'm fairly intimidated by the whole thing.

(but yes, thrilled at the same time)