I think the weather is completely affecting my mood-- I just am completely pppppbbbbbhhhhtttt about everything these days. It bothers me, too. I want to get things done. I cannot motivate myself to do things. I just don't care. At all.
A lot of this comes from the wedding. Any time I think of it, it just puts a stormcloud over my mood. It shouldn't, but it does. Maybe it's because the last mingled family gathering was my college graduation, and other than at the drink fest after the celebration, I just wasn't happy with everyone there. The entire situation put me on edge the whole time. I've become used to my parents being divorced. Having the two sides of the family together is uncomfortable. It doesn't happen often. And this time around? We have my dad's wife to add to the equation (who I don't care for, and from what I've gathered, neither does my grandmother).
With the little spat between my cousins over being my bridesmaids-- before I've even begun planning the wedding and my mom doing the two step "you need to do what you want.. but oh, I don't think Grandpa (read=her) will be happy with XYZ..." I was completely turned off to the idea.
Yeah... I'm just not wanting to do this. I know I have to. (and yes, I DO have to...) I look at the amount of money to drop on a wedding and just think it's a waste. I'd honestly rather spend the money on getting a new roof on our house or pay someone to strip out the wallpaper. But there's this underlying knowledge that planning a wedding is an obligation for me. If I were to run away and elope, I would never, EVER hear the end of it. My parents still give me shit for crap I did when I was seven, despite my annoyance (and telling them so) to knock it off and move on. Scooting around them on my wedding? Yeah. Lifetime shit-giving.
That, unfortunately, is my current motivation for planning the wedding. I'll suck it up and go through with the ceremony and reception that everyone is expecting me to do. Mainly because other than a private handfasting (read-- with friends only, no family), I just have no clue what I would do. My version of parties still ranges in the somewhat post-collegiate realm. Friends, beer, and bringing platters of munchies. I prefer quietly sitting in the corner, observing and occasionally engaging in conversation when I feel comfortable doing so.
If it weren't so fucking expensive, I'd hire a wedding planner to do the whole damn thing and just show up.
*sigh*
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